Valuable Life....

Values are the only thing we can teach our children. And I believe the way to teach them is by living it ourselves. I attended a course recently where we were taught to treat children from age 0-6 years of age as kings and queens , from 6 to 12 years as princes and princesses and from 12 years onwards as our friends. We can only suggest but we cant really tell them what to do. That's probably the way I have brought up my kids, I am sure there have been times where i have "screwed up" but generally this is kind of what i believed in intuitively...much to the disapproval of some of the people around me.

I am not really sure how life is going to work out for t hem but like any parent, I tend to project some of their current behavior into the future and I worry about how their life will be and if I have in anyway done something to spoil their future. I guess , that's quite normal as I know a number of people who think similar t thoughts.

Speaking of values , I sat down to think about what I want them to carry into their adult life and here is my list :

1. Empathy - concern and feeling for someone else's situation - I meet adults and children who not very conscious of someone else's pain ...maybe its because they see too much ( their exposure levels esp with media are way higher than anything I grew up with) that they have become numb to it. Teaching our children to open their hearts and really care is important. Whether its tipping the taxi driver, waiter , the old man at the petrol station, or the cleaner stationed at public toilets.... its about saying thank you for looking after us. Helping someone carry their bags and thinking of ways that they can make the world a better place. This is important as it gives them hope and lets them know that they can do something.

2. Embracing Family and Community - some people save their best behaviour for those "outside" whilst others tend to only focus on their loved ones and everyone else is second class or is out to get them. I reckon that that both these thought processes are flawed. When we save or good behaviour for people we don't know that well and yet neglect those who are close to us, its about earning a good name in the eyes of others and feeding our own ego. On the flip side there are people who have an inner circle ....anyone in the inner circle is worth their love and time and anyone outside cannot be trusted. We need to teach our children to balance between the two. To do good for their loved ones/family because they are people they live with and yet do something for the community because they belong to a larger family - humankind.

3. Respect - for other people's belongings and other people's time....its someone else's hard earned money no matter how rich they are. Sometimes kids tend to think that just because someone else has more, that its OK to be wasteful. Teaching children to return books and anything else they borrow is also important. I have seen adults in some countries think that its OK to take towels from hotels ....or eating/drinking whats supposed to be sold in a supermarket and walking out without paying. This type of behaviour models to children that its OK to take something that not yours... its the same as stealing in my books. This also applies to money found, I always ask my children to think of the poor person who lost it and to make an attempt to find that person.

4. Integrity - doing what you say and saying what you do. Its the shades of grey that matter... sometimes we allow our children to justify their actions and 'slink' out of doing something... we also do this ourselves. When we make excuses to people that we cant make it after we agree to do something or if we lie in front of our children, they learn that its OK to lie or make up excuses. When you say you are going to be somewhere at a particular time...be there! I know adults who sleep through appointments and also make excuses that they are unwell.

5. Cleanliness -teaching children to have clean spaces is important. Even more important is teaching them to clean up after themselves and how to enjoy a clutter free life. Karen Kingston in her book clear your clutter with feng shui has a point in that your space affects your prosperity and outlook to life. I find that the best way to teach them this is by creating pleasant spaces around the house so that they can learn to appreciate nice spaces.

6. Awareness of their "scripts". We all carry scripts in our heads and sometimes when a child uses a particular script too much , its may be time to help him or her change that script... for eg. "its not fair" or "nobody likes me". Helping them change their mental scripts can help to improve the quality of their life.

7. Not telling is also lying- Sometimes our kids learn from adults to keep secrets or not confront issues. Some adults actually tell children to keep secrets from their parents... it could be little white lies but they learn how to be dishonest in their communication. Some people play this game where they say that they will tell you something but you cannot tell the person involved... this is disrespectful and if someone says that i usually ask them not to tell me because by allowing them to do that I perpetuate the lie

8. Dream big - anything is possible and sometimes we rob our children of their dreams because we are too caught up in seeing life through our own filters and our experience. Just because it wouldn't have worked in our time , does not mean that it wont work in their life. Helping them find their passion and fueling this passion is the job of every parent. What else can be more important? It doesn't matter what the child wants to do, as long as its ethical - a singer, dancer, fashion designer, artist, archaeologist.... what matters more is finding their passion because passion fuels effort which in turn builds hope for their future. Teach your children to " be realistic and plan for a miracle" as life is truly magical if we think it is.