about bloody time!

When I look back at my life, I am quite surprised by the number of challenges I have had to overcome. I don't have to look far, just in the last year alone, I lost a parent, moved house, changed my job... they say that these types of changes cause alot of stress... considering the fact that i did it all in one year... its taken its toll on me and yet I am quite amazed that I didn't roll over and give up.

Most times, I tell myself that I don't have the time to stop and really feel the grief or emotion, I just keep moving... I learnt a long time ago that " if you have problems in your life, then you are bored..go do something" I have literally embraced this belief completely and so I keep filling up my life with so many things to do ...just so that I don't have problems...or maybe just so that I don't feel any pain!!

But pain has a way of catching up and when it comes back , it comes back with a vengeance. Have you ever watched yourself when you sometimes over react to a small thing... and you wonder where all that emotion came from... I think when you shut out an emotion, it doesn't go away...it just sits there and festers ...waiting for a reason to come out. Each time it gets shut out it gets stronger and until it just comes out like an avalanche... that cannot be stopped.

I didn't understand this when I was younger... I used to tell myself that I have too much to do, a business to run , bills to pay and that I could not afford to become an "emotional wreck" ... so I never allowed myself to really feel any emotion.

I think the only emotion that came out even if I tried to control it , was anger ... and perhaps the anger was at me because I was afraid of my feelings. I used to think that women who were emotional were "wimps" and drama queens. I used to think I was better because I was strong and unattached....well all that got thrown out the window when i had children. They opened my heart.

Then I turned 50... this is a funny age ....suddenly you arrive at an age where you realise that you could be here for another 10/20/30 years... that's not a long time...and then you are gone as quickly as you came here to the planet.



These days, all that matter are authenticity and being in my truth. Nothing is more important than that and anyone or anything that cant support my need for this are distractions that take me off course..... I don't have time for detours that don't add to me or the planet.

Self focused... maybe, but people who know me would say " about bloody time." I agree... its my time... to live in my greatness ...emotions and all !